I am still figuring out how on earth did I ever reach the "3" ZERO? Haha well at least it's only a number and some says 30's is the new 20's?
Today I turned 30, married with a wonderful man, an adorable little daughter on tow and heavily pregnant. Owh did I mention that I am a proud stay at home mother?
For the past 30 years of my life, 95 percent of those times..I have no idea who I wanted to be or who I am.(No joke.)
For all these years, I was chasing affirmation from others and trying to be something which I am not; all in the name of conforming to the demand of society. I know nothing of passion from within, most of the time I was pushed and pulled by fear from without.
Fear of being fat, fear of being dark skin, fear of being not pretty, fear of not having status, fear of not having a "career", fear of not getting a good husband, fear of not getting As, generally just fear... After a while the small voice inside of me just become unheard off and forgotten...
I went to university with no idea on what I wanted to become. So, for the whole 4 years there, I was running in circle, bumping to so many walls. I eventually lost all energy and spiraled down to depression. Finally at that point of my gloomy life, I got the courage to ask myself " what is important to my life? This thing which makes me sick and crazy, surely this is not for me? I decided to dropped-out. Yes people I am a university drop-out. Coming to thing about it I should have dropped out earlier in my life, like after PMR or better still after UPSR or better still before this (fear) started.
(The same thing happened when I step my feet to my Science Stream class many many years ago, I was so naive to think that society knows what is best for me and stoop to the demand of society... I am still wondering why I didn't follow my passion. I guess I don't even know my passion, it was not cultivated enough for me to know what to decide when I need to make decision..
Sometimes when you are not careful, people can project their ideal on you and you end up trying to fit in to other people dreams and in the process you forgotten your true-self. Time and again you true-self try to come out but she got pushed down and silenced.
The past four years of my marriage, has given me a space to think and try and feel. My life had been moving slowly and during this time I got to reflect myself more and more. When Ava arrived, that's when my true real life had finally began. Bit by bit I learned to be a mother, a teacher and a caregiver to my daughter. Interacting with a child has healing power I guess. I can also say Ava teaches me by her actions. Not too long after that, I started to have curiosity. From curiosity I have the energy to self study on topics of interest to me and hopefully I can progress and uncover what I wish to become in the future.
No systematic syllabus to follow, no pressure to be in a rat race. I am able to balance between passion and taking care of my family. Paper qualification is important but I am not going to rush it. Right now the most important thing is, gain (real) knowledge and not mere memorization. And if I so decide to get a degree, and put myself in the lecture halls, I'll be ready. To be exact, I am my own teacher for the stuff which I m studying right now, and always. I can get others' assistant but I am always be my own teacher.
Getting affirmation from others on something which you cannot afford is useless. Following career advises from others knowing that you ar not capable of doing is a loosing game. I realized that to improve youself and to be happy , what you need is passion and your own willingness to learn and surrounded by like minded people.
So here's the start of my 30's and the starting of my journey...
Happy Birthday To Me.
By the way thanks for the lovely gift from my dear husband and ang pows from my beloved parents.Thanks for all the lovely wishes from all of you.God Bless!!
