Quote of the Day.

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."

-Arthur Ashe (1943-1993); American tennis player, social activist

Sunday, July 17, 2011

30 and my true education has just begun..

I am still figuring out how on earth did I ever reach the "3"  ZERO? Haha well at least it's only a number and some says 30's is the new 20's?

Today I turned 30, married with a wonderful man, an adorable little daughter on tow and heavily pregnant. Owh did I mention that I am a proud stay at home mother?

For the past 30 years of my life, 95 percent of those times..I have no idea who I wanted to be or who I am.(No joke.)
For all these years, I was chasing affirmation from others and  trying to be something which I am not; all in the name of conforming to the demand of society. I know nothing of passion from within, most of the time I was pushed and pulled by fear from without.

Fear of being fat,  fear of being dark skin, fear of being not pretty, fear of not having status, fear of not having a "career", fear of not getting a good husband, fear of not getting As, generally just fear... After a while the small voice inside of me just become unheard off and forgotten...

I went to university with no idea on what I wanted to become. So, for the whole 4 years there, I was running in circle, bumping to so many walls. I eventually lost all energy and spiraled down to depression. Finally at that point of my gloomy life, I got the courage to ask myself " what is important to my life? This thing which makes me sick and crazy, surely this is not for me?  I decided to dropped-out. Yes people I am a university drop-out. Coming to thing about it I should have dropped out earlier in my life, like after PMR or better still after UPSR or better still before this (fear) started.

(The same thing happened when I step my feet to my Science Stream class many many years ago, I was so naive to think that society knows what is best for me and stoop to the demand of society... I am still wondering why I didn't follow my passion. I guess I don't even know my passion, it was not cultivated enough for me to know what to decide when I need to make decision..

Sometimes when you are not careful, people can project their ideal on you and you end up trying to fit in to other people dreams and in the process you forgotten your true-self. Time and again you true-self try to come out but she got pushed down and silenced.

The past four years of my marriage, has given me a space to think and try and feel. My life had been moving slowly and during this time I got to reflect myself more and more. When Ava arrived, that's when my true real life had finally began. Bit by bit I learned to be a mother, a teacher and a caregiver to my daughter. Interacting with a child has healing power I guess. I can also say Ava teaches me by her actions. Not too long after that, I started to have curiosity. From curiosity I have the energy to self study  on topics of interest to me  and hopefully I can progress and uncover what I wish to become in the future.

No systematic syllabus to follow, no pressure to be in a rat race. I am able to balance between passion and taking care of my family. Paper qualification is important but I am not going to rush it. Right now the most important thing is, gain  (real) knowledge and not mere memorization. And if I so decide to get a degree, and put myself in the lecture halls, I'll be ready. To be exact, I am my own teacher for the stuff which I m studying right now, and always. I can get others' assistant but I am always be my own teacher.

Getting affirmation from others on something which you cannot afford is useless. Following career advises from others knowing that you ar not capable of doing is a loosing game. I realized that to improve youself and to be happy  , what you need is passion and your own willingness to learn and surrounded by like minded people.

So here's the start of my 30's and the starting of my journey...
Happy Birthday To Me.


By the way thanks for the lovely gift from my dear husband and ang pows from my beloved parents.Thanks for all the lovely wishes from all of you.God Bless!!

7 comments:

FionaFabian said...

sheena..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! May u have lots and lots of happiness in life..

Angel said...

Sheena, my sister's bday was yesterday, yours is today, tomorrow's Bruno's.

Happy birthday, Sheena! God bless you and your family! :)

Anonymous said...

Nut,

Thanks for sharing your joys.You're being too humble...the most precious moment in life is YOU ARE THERE whenever your loved ones needs you the most. You're always there for them,we can't afford to change TIME with $$,many people just can't afford to have the same row of your seat,trust yourself kio.. keep the good spirit in you,happy birthday darling :) God bless you abundantly.Sure HE will.

Nozie

Sheena said...

Nozie, thanks for the wishes, mo nangis sia baca comment ko.
Everything which had happened to my/our life I guess its a blessing in disguise. God really knows what is the best for us according to his plan:)

beeepooo said...

Happy Birthday,Nunut!

It's Man Man here. You have no idea how envious I am of your life! Glad to know you finally found inner happiness and something to be passionate about.One is not really living in a life without passion.You should start a maternity program (pre and post pregnancy) for future moms!

Sheena said...

Man man!!HAppy to have you here!How's life at the States?Yes finally after 30 years of struggling..hehe.Well speaking of maternity program, I can only give you some tips about breastfeeding when your time 's coming soon!;).

beeepooo said...

haha.. Nut for sure ask you when it's my turn.. You should consider it though.. banyak program macam ini to teach young parents how to handle, what to expect before and after. You're so passionate about this sayang tak ajar hehe. Sini okay saja la.. sabah jugak best =) it's been a long time since i last saw you. take care!

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